Legend of Nukem: Duke it out in Hyrule
by Alex M
Summary: Duke Nukem in Hyrule! Guess Link needs some help. Rating now raised to R because I rock. Worry not, the chapters are getting longer with every new one!
1. Chapter 1: Where the Hell Am I?

Hello all. I've been reading stories on here for quite a while, but I finally got around to writing. I hope this is funny.  
  
So, without any more babble, let's rock......  
  
The Legend of Nukem: Duke it out in Hyrule  
  
  
Chapter 1: Where the Hell am I?  
  
  
  
  
Duke Nukem was bored. Nothing to do. No aliens, strip clubs were closed for some holiday Duke didn't remember, and he had exceeded the legal firearm limit by about 6,000, so he couldn't get any new guns.  
  
Duke wandered the streets looking for something to do. Even the normal sounds of day were gone. What was going on? And what the hell was that music? It sounded like......  
  
Duke paused as a flash of light filled his sight, the light had a faint greenish tinge, and the weird music had swelled even louder than before. He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them, he was in a totally different place. Instead of skyscrapers, he saw trees, wildflowers had replaced traffic fumes, and some kinda ruins were built into a cliff above him. A small stump was sitting below them, and on that stump a little girl with green hair was playing an instrument that looked like an ocarina.  
  
The girl finished her song and lowered the ocarina.  
  
"Welcome to Hyrule, Duke Nukem," she said, "I am Saria, and I brought you here because we need your help."  
  
"What the....." Duke started, but Saria continued.  
  
"There is a threat to Hyrule that we need your help with," Saria said, "There is an evil being called Ganon who abducted our hero Link. We need you to get him back."  
  
"Where the hell am I?" Duke asked, still taking in everything.  
  
"You're in the Sacred Forest Meadow, in Hyrule," Saria answered, "Now hurry, go out of here to Hyrule Field. Good luck."  
  
Ummmm, ok, Duke thought, Didn't have anything better to do anyway.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes I know it's kinda dumb. More soon.  



	2. Chapter 2: The Fairy

Author's Note: Funny thing about this story. I'd forgotten it existed. Just look at the post date for the first chapter (okay, first twelve lines). Holy heck, I wasn't even outta high school yet! I put this up in a fit of boredom, and then forgot about it. But just about a month ago, this long-forgotten piece of creativity GOT A REVIEW! There in my email inbox, were the words of a fan encouraging me to continue! Well, shit, what are ya gonna do when twelve lines of a story that never took off get a review? Why, write more, of course. So I thought about it, I thought about all the fun I could have with this, I thought about how much I still love Duke Nukem and the Legend of Zelda, and I decided to make this happen. I also kicked up the rating, because adults have more fun.

Ahem, anyway, let us continue this great work we are in. Without further ado...

Chapter 2: The Fairy

Duke had left the Meadow, turned two corners, and had no chance of finding the little green-haired girl again by the time he realized he hadn't asked for directions. Then again, why would he ask directions from a little girl? Duke didn't even ask directions from adult women, then again his kind of women couldn't find their ass with a roadmap. And their boobs normally had their own zipcodes. For each boob. Then Duke realized he was daydreaming and got back to reality. Or whatever this was. Maybe this was some kinda weird dream, like a drug trip, but Duke didn't take drugs (besides steroids of course, but those didn't count), and while he was prone to strange dreams, they never involved fully dressed females, and they sure as hell never involved little girls.

Another turn down yet another hollowed out tree trunk - _Who the hell made all this? _Duke wondered - and suddenly he was out of the woods and staring down into a small forest in a vast green valley. Everything, Duke noticed, seemed to be green, except the tree trunks. Wait, it wasn't a forest, he realized, as he noticed a door in one. Said door abruptly opened, revealing another little kid, who wandered out towards a stream running through the town - Duke now realized it was a whole town - and as his eyes followed the one kid he spotted others, sitting on roofs, running through the grass, talking in doorways. He didn't see a single person who looked older than nine. A whole city of treehouses and kids. No beer. No titty bars anywhere. No gun stores.

Duke leaned back as he suddenly felt dizzy, and took several deep breaths. This was gonna suck, he just knew it.

Meanwhile...

_Navi..._

_Navi the fairy..._

_Where art thou? Come hither..._

Among the swirling clouds of lights that permeated the forest, one blue glow suddenly stopped, hovering in midair as it listened to the call of its master. Then it turned and raced towards the voice, spinning drukenly through the air, muttering swearwords in a voice too tiny to be heard. It was going so fast that it didn't even see the fence ahead until it connected solidly with a post at what, for it, was extremely high speed. An explosion of curse words followed, as the little blue thing shook off the stars spinning around its head and reoriented. Now with a pounding headache and a nice shiner, the shiner continued on its way.

Its way took it up and down, over, around, under and through, just like tying your shoes. For a moment, a disturbing image of a singing rooster troubled the blue glow, but then it was gone. It raced past Kokiri who watched it in wonder, then dove out of the way, because the glow did not seem to care what was in front of it. It dodged a young boy, narrowly missed a head-on collision with a blond girl with big hair, and swooped under the legs of the Kokiri standing guard over it's destination. Here it paused to take a peek. Nope, Milo still wasn't a man yet. Then the glow was off again, Two more bends, and it floated before its Master.

Finally it spoke, in a voice that could have been either a woman or a really effeminate man. "Great Deku Tree, I'm here!"

_Ah, Navi, you have finally arrived._

The glow drifted to a nearby boulder and alighted. Finally the blue glow dimmed enough to reveal its generator: a small sprite, barely six inches in height. It looked like a small woman, no wait, the build of the face... maybe a man... damn that's a lotta makeup... what is it? The sprite looked like a six inch tall winged member of the Village People.

The voice speaking to this crossdressing creature of magic now had a source. It was a tree, a massive tree whose tallest branches reached to the heavens. On the side facing the fairy was what looked like a face. Two eyes, barely visible through shaggy moss brows, a big bulbous nose that probably would've been bright red if it wasn't made of wood, and a wide mouth, downturned, like the tree had a permanent frown. Or maybe it was in pain.

_You feel it, don't you? _the Deku Tree asked. _This climate of evil descending on our fair land of Hyrule?_

Rhetorical question. Of course Navi felt it. Every being of the Kokiri Forest felt it in one way or another. For the Kokiri, the eternal children, the feeling came in form of uneasiness and nightmares. For creatures like the fairies, who were much more intimately connected to the pulse of the land, it was a lot like getting kicked in the nuts repeatedly, then getting anally invaded by a spiked mace. Navi didn't even want to think about how it must feel for the Deku Tree. He/she/it felt sympathy for the old forest spirit, while at the same time fervently glad that they weren't quite _that_ connected to the ground. But he/she/it didn't say that, only nodded in reply.

_It is time,_ the Deku Tree sighed. _Time for the Boy Without a Fairy and the Master of Black Powder to begin their journeys. Go now, find them and bring them to me!_

Navi immediately flipped over in the air and took off. He - it was surely a guy, wait, the boobs look real, maybe it's just an _ugly_ woman - knew how important this was. The future of Hyrule - and Navi's good health - depended on this.

_Fly Navi! _the Deku Tree urged her(him?) on. _The future of Hyrule depends upon thee!_

As Navi left the Deku Tree's clearing, another twinge of that evil hit the little fairy, and the groin shot sent him/her spinning end over end, doubled over in pain, for three full somersaults before the fairy was about to straighten and continue flying. Navi had to find these heroes, and fast.


	3. Chapter 3: Gather the Heroes!

BIG FAT DISCLAIMER OF DOOM: I forgot to do this before, so here goes. Duke Nukem, the Legend of Zelda, Link, Navi, the Great Deku Tree, Pig Cops, Dr. Proton, and any other copyrighted names are copyright their respective owners. This is a work of fanfiction, and the author makes no money off it. The author has no money either, all his money having been spent on videogames and Warhammer 40,000. The author has finished The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time at least three times all the way through, collecting everything it is possible to collect, and thus is well aware of the actual storyline. Any changes made to said storyline, including the insertion of new characters, or changes to timelines, locales, or existing characters, to include the changing of personalities, equipment, or _sexes of said characters _(nudge nudge) are done intentionally and for humor.

In other words, I don't own any of this, and I know how things are supposed to be in the Zelda universe. I'm changing it up on purpose. insert random smiley here>

Anyway...

Chapter 3: Gather the Heroes!

He was standing in front of a castle, staring up at the walls. White stone, they towered over his tiny form, as if daring him to try to scale them. Torches were hung in intervals, their guttering flames pathetically trying to bring light to the entire field. He felt sorry for the poor bastard who had to go down the walls replacing those things. It was night, the stars covered the blue-black sky in a mosaic of twinkling white lights, and the wide, full white oval of the moon washed all color from the land, casting everything that wasn't in shadow in a grayish tone, kind of like ice. Thinking about ice reminded him of the nice hard iceball he'd pasted Milo with last winter. Knocked the little punk out cold. Course, when he'd come to that had sucked...

One thing that was not all gray was the wide brown drawbridge, which spanned the wide clear moat that seperated the castle from the rest of the world, as if the great stone walls were flipping the bird at the rest of the land. "Haha, we're better than you, cause we're bigger, and we're harder, and we're a lot thicker than you. So suck it." His eyes finally came down from the magnificently huge walls and stared at the deep, wet moat. It was full of water, seeming to invite him to plunge into it and explore. There was probably all kinds of cool stuff down there. He stared at the water for a long time, thinking about going for it. Suddenly, he felt a rumbling within his body, a feeling headed straight for his crotch, making him shake with his need.

Oh wow, did he need to pee!

With his bladder about to explode, he bolted for the moat. Hell, all the water in there, no one would notice a little yellow extra. Hastily, he yanked up his green tunic and pushed down his underwear. _Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!_ Naturally of course, the drawbridge picked that exact moment to descend.

With a great clanking of chains, the mighty wooden drawbridge unwound itself and dropped towards the ground. Something like two tons of ironbound wood, descending directly towards him. As he watched it descend, he came to the realization that if he stayed where he was, in his current position, with his anatomy dangling over the moat's edge, the descending drawbridge was going to amputate said anatomy as it came down. Therefore, it seemed the logical conclusion to leap backwards rather quickly. This he did. Now he was peeing on the grass. Oh well.

Just as it occurred to him that the drawbridge must have lowered so someone could cross, he heard hoofbeats, the thunder of a horse running flat out, and a brass horn blowing a thundering charge. _Duhduhduh, duhduhduh, duhduh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh DUUUUUHHH!_ From the darkness emerged a great white horse at a full gallop. Two people were riding on it, an adult woman and a child in fine clothes. The horse made straight for him like an arrow, and for the second time in the dream he had to leap aside to avoid getting hit in the nuts. The girl turned her head to look at him as he passed by. For a long moment, their eyes locked, and he was sure he knew the girl, even though he'd never seen her face before. Then her eyes moved downwards, and she suddenly smiled broadly. He blinked, unsure of the reason for her smile, and then suddenly realized his underwear was around his ankles. Thankfully his tunic had fallen back down to cover him. Hastily he redressed himself. Just as he got his briefs up again, he heard a snort behind him and turned around. Then he shit himself.

A horse was staring at him. A big black horse with hate-filled eyes. He didn't even know a horse could have hate-filled eyes. He didn't know a horse could project an aura of pure evil either. Oh wait, that wasn't the horse. That was the _rider_. Looking past the horse's face, he saw the rider. He was green, and looked faintly sick. He was about to ask if he was okay when he noticed the man's jet-black armor. It was so polished he could see his reflection, and he realized there was white lettering on the breastplate, along with pictures. They were instructions, and the pictures were visual aids.

It read: _1. Bend Over. 2. Put Your Head Between Your Legs. 3. Kiss Your Ass Goodbye._

The man in black armor turned his head to look at the little boy. A smile flitted across his face. For some reason, that was even scarier than if he had snarled at him. The boy was about to obey the instructions on the man's armor when everything went black

"Hey! Wake up! Get up! The Great Deku Tree has summoned you! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!" Navi bobbed back and forth in front of Link's face like a hyperactive glowglobe. "Can Hyrule's destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?" the fairy wondered out loud to him/herself. Maybe it really is a woman. If so, she's wearing more makeup than street walkers in Hyrule Castle Town. Anyway...

Finally, the boy stirred and rolled over. Very slowly, his eyes opened. Then he was blinded by the bright blue glow that swept right into his face and hovered there. With a yelp, he swiped at the light, trying to clear his eyes.

"Hey!" Navi yelped in return, just barely avoiding the flailing hands. "What's wrong with you?"

Link blinked several times to try to clear the huge glowspot out of his eyes so he could see the fairy, who was now hovering a safe distance back out of reach. "Sorry. I just couldn't see you." _Or anything else,_ he silently added.

"Whatever. Hey, the Great Deku Tree hasn't summoned you! You have to go see him right now!" Navi informed Link. "Get going, get going! I gotta go find somebody else!"

"What?" Link asked, all of this coming at him fast.

"Go see the Great Deku Tree!" Navi repeated loudly. "I gotta go find another person." The fairy flipped around and raced for the door, then paused for a moment to look back.

"Oh by the way, I'm your fairy now!" Navi told Link brightly. "You're not a freak anymore! See you in a couple minutes!" And then she was gone.

It had to be a she, Link decided. Only a woman could talk that much, that quickly, and that pointlessly. He hauled himself out of bed and left his house.

Duke saw the little blue missile racing up towards him, and the first thing that flashed into his mind was that someone had just shot a plasma round at him. He dove sideways and rolled expertly onto one knee, his signature Golden Eagle whipping out of its holster. Because he was Duke, he had already fired three shots before his mind caught up with his reflexes. His goal of exploding the plasma before it got to him appeared to have worked, he didn't see the blue glow. Slowly, got back up to his feet.

"HEY!" The blue glow shouted as it appeared one inch from his face.

"Holy shit!" Much like Link, Duke swatted at the glow, trying to clear his eyes. This time, Navi wasn't fast enough, and before she knew it, she was caught in Duke's meaty fist, half crushed.

"Hey!" her voice was much softer as she was having trouble breathing. "Let go! Let go, that hurts!"

"What the bleep>?" Duke asked. Then he looked around, trying to find out what had just censored him, and why it chose to censor that word and let him otherwise cuss unrestricted. He debated just crushing this talking plasma round, but decided that since nothing else was making sense in this world, maybe he should find out what it wanted first. Besides, maybe it wasn't a plasma round. His hand wasn't burned after all.

As soon as he released her, the fairy flapped her wings and started hovering again.

"Now who the hell are you?" Duke asked.

"I'm Navi, and I'm a fairy of this forest!" she informed him.

"Heh, you're definitely a fairy alright," Duke chuckled, looking at the tiny creature's garish makeup and somewhat masculine build.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Navi asked.

"Oh, nothing. You know, you'd look more convincing if you didn't wear so much makeup. Right now you look like a Bangkok hooker," Duke commented.

"What the-" Navi couldn't believe this man was part of the salvation of Hyrule. And what was Bangkok? "Convincing how?"

"You know, looking more feminine. That what's you're trying to do, right?"

Navi stamped a little foot in midair. "I AM feminine!" she squealed.

"No, not really. Your boobs aren't big enough. Then again, none of you is really big." Duke was enjoying himself. It wasn't every day he got to insult a magic creature in a dream he was having. He'd decided this had to be a dream. When he woke up, he'd have to find out what he ate.

Navi glared at him for a long moment. "Are you saying I look like a male?" she demanded.

"Now you got it," Duke paused, then added. "Fairy."

The joke was lost on Navi, since in a world of real fairies nobody had ever thought to make a slang term out of it. But she did not take kindly to being mistaken for a man. "Excuse me," she said, grabbing the bottom of her little dress. "But I am... FEMALE!" With that, she jerked the dress over her head, giving Duke a full view of her otherwise bare, very small attributes.

"Holy shit," Duke repeated. What was this place? "Okay, okay," he murmured. "You win. You're a she."

"Glad to get that straightened out," Navi replied, letting her dress drop, her personality suddenly all bubbles and sunshine again. "Now, you need to come with me. The Great Deku Tree has summoned you for something really important!"

"The what?" Duke asked.

"The Great Deku Tree!"

"The Deck You Tree?"

"DEKU TREE!" Navi was getting angry again.

"Deku Tree, got it," Duke nodded. "Wait, a tree wants to talk to me?"

"Yup!" Navi nodded.

"For bleep>'s sake..." Duke muttered, then glared around at the world again. He hated being censored.

"Now come ON!" Navi demanded, turning to lead Duke down the hillside into the town. "And don't shoot your black powder here! You'll upset the spirits."

"Whatever you say," Duke agreed. "Hey, can I try something really quick?"

"What?"

"There's no such thing as fairies," Duke said.

Navi stopped and slowly turned around in midair. "Why in the forest did you just say that?" she asked. "I'm right here in front of you!"

"Just tryin' something," Duke said. Navi looked at his suspiciously for a long moment, then turned to lead again. "Well," Duke muttered to himself as he followed. "This isn't Never-Neverland..."


End file.
